


My Message To You

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-10-02
Updated: 2000-10-02
Packaged: 2019-05-15 15:06:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14792792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: The musical culture carries messages for its listeners, especially those in the West Wing.





	1. My Message To You

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: I Do not own any of these characters or *anything* related to the  
West wing... I think. Maybe I should call my grandfather and ask if he has  
any relatives named Sorkin. "Time Of Your Life (Good Riddance)" is a song of  
Green Day and is not mine. Same goes for "Give You Back" by Vertical Horizon.  
NOTES: This is kind of along the lines of "Why Can't We" and "Ours Is Not The  
Reason Why" with the same ideas going on. Warning: this is CJ/Danny. Nothing  
else. Heh. Well, actually, Toby gets to have a little fun in this one too.  
Okay, I'm saying too much. Read.  
SUMMARY: The musical culture carries messages for its listeners, especially  
those in the West Wing.

DATE: December 12th, 2000  
TIME: 7:31 pm  
LOCATION: Ziegler Residence, Washington, D.C.

Toby Ziegler moved through the door of his condominium and looked at the  
clock. He'd not only left the office before 8pm, but he'd gotten home before  
that time as well. It was a miracle. He tossed his briefcase against the  
armchair in his living room and slipped off his coat. After tossing the coat  
on to his couch, he moved to the kitchen, stopping only to press the flashing  
light button on his answering machine.  
"You have six messages." The machine announced.  
"Aren't I popular?" Toby muttered sardonically as he grabbed a beer from  
the fridge. The machine beeped in response.  
"Toby, it's me, Josh. Senator Tillinghouse canceled on our meeting  
tomorrow. We managed to reschedule but I'm not extremely assured by his  
actions. Call me. We need to strategize." Beep.  
"Toby, it's me again. Tillinghouse called me and said that the reason he  
canceled is because he's tired of listening to us "blowhards". Can you  
imagine the nerve of that guy? Well, before you get a call from Leo, just be  
prepared to talk to Tillinghouse, because I sure ain't gonna." Beep.  
"It's me, Leo. Call me. Josh made an idiot of himself again. Senator  
Tillinghouse just called me saying something about being gravely insulted and  
asked for Josh's head on a platter. We need to talk to that damn kid. Anyway.  
We need to rethink this stuff with Tillinghouse." Beep.  
"Toby, listen, I wanted to talk to you about, and it's me, Sam, anyway,  
um, I wanted to talk to you about the address to the Forbes administration.  
They want us to come again, and they called me because they found you weren't  
in your office. I guess we made an impression on them. Anyway. Call me. We  
need to talk. We never talk anymore, Toby. Least now I know you're listening.  
Okay. Call me. Sam. Call Sam. Bye." Beep.  
"Mr. Ziegler, this is Michael with Dodge repair auto shop. Your Dart is  
ready. We had to change the oil, fix the carburetor and a few other things,  
so the bill might be a little more than we originally estimated. We thought  
your car was in much better condition then we eventually discovered. Anyway.  
Come pick it up any time." Beep.  
"Toby. Uh. Geeze, Toby, I expected you to be home. I mean you didn't pick  
up at your office." A female voice rang through his machine, earning Toby's  
view to fly upon it. Andy. "I really need to talk to you. I mean, we need to  
talk. I don't know . .. I don't know what's going on with all this, and I  
just need someone to talk to. Please, Toby. Just call me... or something.  
I don't know. Please. I just... Just call me." Andy's voice said before  
the machine clicked again.  
"End of messages." The machine said in a robotic voice. Toby barely  
noticed. She'd called him, and he couldn't for the life of himself think of  
why. He stumbled forward and grabbed the phone, dialing the number that he  
knew better than he would ever admit.  
"Hello?" Her familiar voice exclaimed weakly.  
"Andy, it's me. I just got home. What's wrong?" He asked softly.  
"Toby. Thank God... I..." Her voice trailed off for a second. "Toby,  
I'm sorry I bothered you. I just... I don't know who else I can talk to."  
"It's okay. Slow down. What happened?" He asked soothingly, becoming  
increasingly confused by the moment.  
"Saul . .. he um, he crashed his bike." Andy said randomly. "Toby, he  
didn't make it. I don't know what to do... I need to... I don't want to  
be alone. I don't..." She mumbled.  
"It's okay. Do you want me to come over?" Toby asked softly, knowing how  
much Andy's brother had meant to her. The news was a bit shocking, but not  
entirely a surprise. Saul had always been something of a risk taker, even to  
the point of serious injury, and still he'd never learned.  
"Yes... Please, yes." Andy said softly. "I don't want to be alone." She  
whispered. Toby wanted to ask her where the Oriole was, but he didn't.  
"Okay. I'll be there in about five minutes, okay?" He assured her. A few  
seconds later, he hung up the phone, grabbed his jacket and headed for the  
door. As he started the rental car and started out of his garage, as if on  
cue, the radio began to play a vaguely familiar song.

> Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road  
>  Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go  
>  So make the best of this test and don't ask why  
>  It's not a question but a lesson learned in time  
>  It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right  
>  I hope you had the time of your life

Toby stared ahead, focusing on the road and the world around him, the  
whole while the words of the song sinking into his brain. So many things had  
happened so many years ago, and here he was, racing back towards the past.  
That was what he was doing, wasn't it? Why did Andy call him and not the  
Oriole? When Toby had said good-bye so many years ago, he knew that he still  
loved her and that she still loved him, but they couldn't live with each  
other any more. That was the only stake that was being driven between them.  
What now?

> So take the photographs and still frames in your mind  
>  Hang it on a shelf of good health and good time  
>  Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial  
>  For what it's worth, it was worth all the while  
>  It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right  
>  I hope you had the time of your life

The light turned red ahead of him and the rental Dodge slowed to a stop.  
Toby leaned his elbow against the window and glanced out to his left. Waiting  
at the crosswalk was a couple, a tall brunette man with an even taller,  
slender blonde woman. The two were laughing, clearly enjoying themselves.  
Most noticeable though was the fact that they were holding hands. Toby  
blinked and looked back at the light in time to see it turn green. He pressed  
his foot to the gas and roared off.  
What was the point of saying good-bye if you were always going to say  
hello again? What did he want? What did she want? Was he reading so much more  
into this than he needed to? Was he just overreacting? Was his heart beating  
unbearably fast? Toby could feel a bit of sweat forming in the palms of his  
hands and chose to wipe it off on his pants. He was reading too much into the  
whole thing. She said she didn't want to be alone. That didn't mean she  
wanted him back. It meant she needed a friend. And that's what he was.

> It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right  
>  I hope you had the time of your life  
>  I hope you had the time of your life  
>  I hope you had the time of your life

Toby climbed the stairs to the apartment and then knocked hesitantly on  
the door. The door opened to reveal the tearstained face of the woman he  
loved so much, with so much of himself. He stepped in and hugged her without  
a word. She hugged him back, crying into his shoulder and closing the door.  
He rested his chin on her head as she buried her face into his shoulder.  
"Ssh, it's okay." He whispered, rocking her gently. "I'm here. It's gonna  
be okay." He said softly. She nodded, her face rubbing against his chest as  
she held him closer, needing to feel his presence and needing to know that he  
was real. He just held her as she needed to be held and waited for her  
ability to speak to return. She led him to the couch and they sat down  
together, still in each other's arms. Moments later, she was able to talk and  
they did.  
They talked for several hours, Andy nestled into Toby's chest, clinging  
to him as if for dear life. They talked about work, politics, life, baseball  
and her brother. They didn't talk of the past and the way things had ended.  
They didn't talk of their apparent friendship, or what would become of it.  
They didn't talk of the four years they spent barely speaking to each other.  
And when they'd talked their throats sore, Toby got up and turned on the  
radio. He pulled Andy into his arms and closed his eyes. She held him close,  
her eyes also closed, as they just felt each other's presence. Toby didn't  
know what was happening to his brain or to his heart, but he was happy  
dancing with her to the slow music. Then it became clear what the words were  
saying.  
Perhaps it wasn't clear enough.

> I need to know if you were real  
>  Cause I've been known to get it wrong  
>  When the memory comes  
>  I'll say I'm always in the dark  
>  You got me now

What was real about the past? What wasn't? Toby looked at Andy and found  
her eyes staring into his. He smiled at her weakly and squeezed the hand of  
hers that he held gently in his own. She smiled back, but neither of them  
looked away. There was something about the moment that neither of them wanted  
to lose. Suddenly, Toby found himself kissing her gently, his eyes closed as  
he felt her arms slip around his neck.  
What was happening? Was this what he'd been waiting for four years? He  
didn't know. He stopped caring as she pushed his jacket off to the floor.

> I want to give you back  
>  I want to give you back  
>  Somewhere out of here  
>  I want to give you  
>  I want to give you  
>  I want to give you back

Could it be that he had taken advantage of her? Toby opened his eyes and  
looked around the room before looking down at the sleeping form that was  
nestled into his bare side. His hand absentmindedly ruffled her hair as his  
eyes drifted over her form. What were they going to say to each other now?  
When she woke up, he'd have to deal with her rejection again. He knew it.  
He'd have to hear her say that it was a mistake.  
But was it really a mistake? Did he regret it? He didn't. He loved her.  
He glanced at his left hand and saw the ring still there. He was still  
married to her in his mind, and what did that do to her? It was selfish,  
angry... What had he done? All this time, by keeping the ring on and not  
letting go, he'd prevented her from moving on completely. And now this.

> I can't remember how it went  
>  You looked like everything I wanted  
>  And as you came along  
>  Slowly, everything began to change  
>  I got you now

She woke up. She looked at him and smiled very, very weakly. He smiled  
back, trying not to communicate how much he loved waking up to her again. She  
said a few soft words and then slipped out of the bed. He watched her  
disappear in the bathroom and then looked around the room. She was the woman  
he loved. That had never changed.  
She was everything he wanted. Smart, funny, caring, beautiful... And  
she'd broken his heart. How could he forget that? She was going to do it  
again, he knew it. He'd asked for it. He deserved it. He'd taken advantage of  
her, of her pain and of her loneliness. He was an asshole.

> I want to give you back  
>  I want to give you back  
>  Somewhere out of here  
>  I want to give you  
>  I want to give you  
>  I want to give you back

He left. He left as soon as they'd eaten breakfast. Neither one said a  
word about what they'd done. It was as if they were still married. Wake up  
together, eat breakfast together, go your separate ways. Toby didn't want to  
leave. He wanted to stay with her, in the apartment, locked away from the  
world.  
So he did. The moment after he left, he came back. She stared at him a  
moment and then pulled him back into the apartment. They both called in sick,  
for she needed a day to mourn and he needed a day to be with her. They sat on  
the couch, and they talked some more.  
This time they talked about something they needed to talk about.

> That's enough  
>  Just talking about it  
>  I don't mind  
>  I don't mind, no, I  
>  Laugh enough  
>  Just dreaming about it

Toby stared at the wall of his apartment, trying not to let the tears  
burn his eyes. It was over again. It was his mistake. He shouldn't have  
thought with anything other than his head. Despite what he was telling  
himself, despite what his head said he really was thinking with, Toby felt  
deep inside that he was thinking with his heart and not any other piece of  
his anatomy.

> I need to know if you were real  
>  I'd hate to think that I'd been fooled again  
>  And as the vision fades  
>  I'll say I was blinded by your eyes  
>  I felt them burn

"It was a mistake, but maybe it was one that we both needed." She had  
said. Something they had both needed. But that mistake couldn't not replace  
the past. He had been fooled again. She had too. The tears burned as they  
waited in his eyes, but he was too proud to let them escape as he sank  
against the wall of his apartment. How could he be so stupid? How could he  
cut his own heart out and say 'here, break it again', knowing full well the  
whole time that that was exactly what he was doing?

> I want to give you back  
>  I want to give you back  
>  Somewhere out of here  
>  I want to give you  
>  I want to give you  
>  I want to give you back

No. That was over. It was. It was a mistake, even if it was a pleasurable  
one. And he would be able to look her in the eye one day and not want to be  
the one she needed. He looked at his left hand and then ripped the ring off,  
throwing it hard against the wall. One mistake was enough. He'd made two. He  
wasn't going to make a third, and he knew this to be true as he heard the  
gold clatter against the ground, somewhere millions of miles away.

> It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right  
>  I hope you had the time of your life...  
>    
>    
> 

TBC... .

  

  


	2. My Message To You 2

RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: I Do not own any of these characters or *anything* related to the  
West wing. "No Matter What" is property of Boyzone, Andrew Lloyd Webber and  
the folks behind the film 'Notting Hill' which means it's not mine threefold.  
NOTES: See Part 1  
SUMMARY: The musical culture carries messages for its listeners, especially  
those in the West Wing.

DATE: December 13th, 2000  
TIME: 8:13am  
LOCATION: The West Wing, The White House, Washington, DC

CJ stared at the newspaper in horror. Pictures of her... and Danny . .  
. kissing... before she was ready for it. She'd told Toby about the  
relationship, and Josh had guessed quite eagerly. A lot of people knew, but  
she still wanted to be the one to tell her friends, not the New York Times.  
Now she was staring at herself with her lover and the headlines... well,  
at least the headlines didn't suggest any impropriety. 'Washington Press  
Leaders Find Love?'  
Oh, God.

Danny gulped as he stared at the edition that sat on his desk. He looked  
around at the people around him, finding that each of them were either  
staring at him with a goofy grin or a sympathetic 'I don't know what to say'  
look. What was CJ thinking right now? Had she seen this? He dropped his case  
and headed down the hallway. He wasn't sure if this was the best thing he  
could be doing, but right now he really didn't care.  
"Carol?" He asked weakly.  
"I honestly don't know." CJ's assistant replied and gestured to the door.  
"Be my guest." She added. He nodded and moved to the door. Knocking gently,  
he leaned his head inside.  
"CJ?" He asked softly.  
"Come on in." She said in an alarmingly professional sounding voice.  
Danny moved inside and closed the door behind him.  
"You okay?" He asked.  
"No, I'm really not. Danny, how did this happen?" She cried, looking at  
him finally. "We were careful. We never went anywhere too public and no one  
could have found us unless they knew what to look for."  
"I don't know how it happened, but does it really matter? I mean, we can  
still do this, right?" He asked.  
"No! I mean, Danny, the impropriety of this relationship is going to be  
so clear to everyone. The Press Secretary and a reporter? They're going to  
think I give you tips, they're going to think that one of us took advantage  
over the other..." CJ trailed off and hung her head into her hands.  
"No one's going to think that, and even if they do, it's not true. Okay?  
It's *not* *true* so it doesn't matter." Danny replied.  
"It does matter, Danny. The truth means nothing on prime-time news. You  
and I both know that. It's about perception, and right now, the easiest thing  
to perceive is impropriety!" CJ replied.  
"You know, we've been together for six months behind closed doors. You've  
talked to Toby and Josh and Leo about our relationship, and they never had  
any problems with it." Danny exclaimed. CJ looked at him.  
"I never said anything to Leo." She informed him. He frowned.  
"You didn't?" He asked.  
"No. What made you think I did?" She asked.  
"He talked to me about it the other day. Called me into his office to  
talk about the appearances and repercussions and whether or not the two of us  
were ready to deal with them." Danny explained, a little bewildered.  
"I can't believe it." CJ muttered and thunked her head on the desk again.  
"After six months, are you really willing to just drop it all because of  
a newspaper feature in the New York Times?" Danny asked softly. "Shouldn't we  
be able to say to hell with it all, let's be happy? Can't we do that?"  
"I don't know." CJ said honestly. Danny sighed and sat down in one of her  
chairs.  
"I just want to be with you, CJ. If you don't want to be with me, then  
tell me so. I'll do whatever you want." He said softly. She sighed.  
"That just makes it harder, like it's all my decision." She muttered.  
"It is all your decision, CJ. I know what I want. I told you what I want.  
Hell, if Toby and Leo are okay with it, that's got to mean that the President  
is okay with it. I'm willing to fight whatever critics we get, and I'm sure  
that Toby and the others will help us if it comes to that." Danny said. "In  
the long run, you have to want to be with me and you have to want to fight  
for our right to be together, no matter what our professions are."  
"It's so much more complicated than that." CJ retorted.  
"Only because you're making it so much more complicated than that." Danny  
replied. Silence filled the room.  
"I need to think." CJ said softly. Danny paused and then looked at his  
hands.  
"You want me to leave you alone?" He asked softly. She sighed.  
"I don't know." She replied softly. He paused again and then stood up.  
"I'll be back soon. I have to go do something." He said softly before  
leaving. She watched him go and then leaned her head against the desk, not  
knowing what the hell she was going to do.

DATE: December 13th, 2000  
TIME: 9:47pm  
LOCATION: The same

CJ looked up as Danny moved into her office again, closing the door  
behind him. It had been more than an hour since he'd left, and she'd already  
been having a hard day that was only going to get worse. Later today, the  
staff meeting would most likely focus on her and Danny. The only person she'd  
heard from so far today specifically about the feature was Sam, who had said  
'way to go' and walked off down the hallway. Now Danny moved over to the  
small stereo in her room and put a CD into it. She just watched him as he  
worked, pressing a few keys before soft music began to play within the  
confines of the room.

> No matter what they tell us  
>  No matter what they do  
>  No matter what they teach us  
>  What we believe is true

Danny turned and moved to CJ, taking her hands in his and pulling her  
into his arms, still not saying a word. She closed her eyes and leaned her  
head against his shoulder as she listened to the words.

> No matter what they call us  
>  However they attack  
>  No matter where they take us  
>  We'll find our own way back

"Danny, can we do this?" She asked softly.  
"Yes, we can." He replied softly as he held her closer. "It's gonna be  
rough, I won't lie to you, but we can do it."

> I can't deny what I believe  
>  I can't be what I'm not  
>  I know I'll love forever  
>  I know no matter what

"I hate to admit it, but I'm almost scared." She admitted softly.  
"It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be nervous, angry, happy, all those  
things and more. It's what makes us human, CJ, and we need to be human,  
especially here, where each day could tear us apart." Danny said softly.  
"I don't want to be torn apart." She told him with tears in her eyes.

> If only tears were laughter  
>  If only night was day  
>  If only prayers were answered  
>  Then we would hear God say

"The past six months have only been the beginning of the future." Danny  
whispered. "We've made it this far. We can make it further. I won't let them  
take you away from me. I don't care what it takes. I'll quit my job or  
something, but we'll find a way to stay together." CJ looked at him.  
"You'd do that for me?" She croaked. Danny smiled weakly.  
"I'd do anything for you." He replied softly.  


> No matter what they tell you  
>  No matter what they do  
>  No matter what they teach you  
>  What you believe is true

CJ couldn't find words after that so she just rested her head against his  
shoulder and closed her eyes. So many things were happening to her that she  
didn't know what to do or how to feel. She felt safe with Danny but she  
didn't know if the world outside of her office would accept that. Too many  
things seemed wrong about it. She would never dream of asking him to quit his  
job for her, but she was starting to feel like there were no possibilities  
for them.  
But she didn't want to believe that right now. She just wanted to be  
where she was, believing that nothing would change.

> And I will keep you safe and strong  
>  And sheltered from the storm  
>  No matter where it's barren  
>  Our dream is being born

Danny felt CJ press into him a little more and readjusted to hold her  
tighter. He knew what she was feeling, but he wasn't sure what he himself  
was. He loved CJ, this he knew. He loved his job and he loved his life. Now  
everything, he knew, was going to change. His boss had called him, telling  
him to come to his office tomorrow morning. He hadn't seen Toby today, but  
the felt that had something to do with the fact that he'd called in sick. Of  
course, Toby wasn't really the one to call in sick, but Danny really didn't  
want to think about Toby Ziegler at this point. There was someone else much  
more important in his thoughts.  
And she was leaning against his shoulder this very moment.

> No matter who they follow  
>  No matter where they lead  
>  No matter how they judge us  
>  I'll be everyone you need

And together they stood, listening to the music, music set with words of  
valiant love. They would be able to get through this, as long as they had  
each other. Their friends would be there for them, even though they didn't  
know it now. And Danny was right. It would get hard.  
But for right now, they could stand there and be together.

> No matter if the sun don't shine  
>  Or if the skies are blue  
>  No matter what the end is  
>  My life began with you

As all moments have to end, Danny grabbed his jacket and left CJ's office  
around an hour later. Then she gathered her things and got ready for the  
staff meeting that would occur within moments. She knew that it was the calm  
before the storm, and that today would probably only get worse because  
everything was going to be addressed, but she could still feel happy right  
now, and she could still relax in the notion that Danny loved her.  
And even though it had taken her a long time to realize it, she loved him  
too. And she knew it now. She knew it before, but she'd never *realized* it.  
Now she had, along with the rest of the world, and she felt all the better  
for it.

> I can't deny what I believe  
>  I can't be what I'm not  
>  I know this love's forever  
>  That's all that matters now  
>  No matter what

TBC... .

  


	3. My Message To You 3

RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters or *anything* related to the  
West Wing. "I will come to you" is a Hanson song and is not mine.  
NOTES: See Part 1  
SUMMARY: The musical culture carries messages for its listeners, especially  
those in the West Wing.

DATE: December 13th, 2000  
TIME: 11:02am  
LOCATION: The Oval Office, White House, Washington DC

"Now, I honestly don't know what you expect me to say, Leo. I know there  
are some conflicts and controversies surrounding this thing, but what the  
hell am I supposed to say? Bad, stop it?" President Josiah Bartlet asked of  
his chief of staff and best friend.  
"I don't know either, but this is a serious issue. I talked to Danny  
about it about two weeks ago and I'd say that both he and CJ have a clear  
idea of the repercussions of all this, but they still want to do it anyway."  
Leo replied. "I don't want to fire CJ, but we have to have something to say  
to the world."  
"What is so wrong about them being together?" Jed asked. "I mean, truly,  
I think it's great. What's wrong with it?"  
"There's nothing wrong with it, but it *seems* like there *should* be  
something wrong with it. That's the problem." Leo replied. "The reality is  
that they are both two grown adults who are exploring a personal  
relationship. The way it's going to be *perceived* is that she is a member of  
the interior senior staff of the White House, the most powerful political  
office in the country, to say the least, and she has an inside view on  
important issues. Their closeness might jeopardize the security--" Jed waved  
his hands.  
"I know all this. What I don't know is what I'm supposed to do about it."  
He said. Leo opened his mouth to respond when the door to the office flew  
open to reveal the yet-again-spatting Toby and Sam.  
"You're a juvenile little one, you know that?" Toby snapped as he left  
Sam lingering by. Sam was confused by the man's anger this morning, an anger  
that seemed so much more passionate than usual.  
"I really don't see how my inability to use a stupid comma makes me  
juvenile." He retorted as he followed his boss.  
"Boys, respect the office. You don't have to respect me, but the office,  
please." Jed ordered with a smirk.  
"Whatever." Toby muttered as he collapsed into the couch and crossed his  
legs. Sam looked at Leo and Jed helplessly, trying to communicate the hell  
he'd been going through for the past hour.  
"Toby, are you quite all right this morning? You're not your usual  
laconic self." Jed asked carefully. Toby grunted something inaudible and  
didn't look up. Jed frowned and moved towards his communications director. "I  
was told that you had called in sick. Now you're here. You sure you should be  
back at work already?" He asked.  
"I've already missed more than I should have." Toby exclaimed.  
"You're acting like an ass, Toby, and more so than you usually do. Is  
everything okay?" Leo asked.  
"As the people who run this country, I seriously think that you have  
better, more important things to worry about. With all due respect, *do* so."  
Toby said in an almost growl. Before anyone could respond, Josh walked in  
with a nervous looking CJ right behind him.  
"Could someone tell the paranoid feminista that we're not going to take  
her out back and shoot her?" Josh asked as he moved to the couch opposite  
Toby and plopped down on it.  
"Of course we're not. We're shooting Josh." Toby muttered.  
"What'd I do?" Josh cried.  
"You were born." Toby murmured.  
"Toby, shut up." Leo snapped. Toby grunted. CJ frowned.  
"CJ, don't worry about it." Jed exclaimed. Everyone looked at him in  
surprise. "I'm not about to legislate on who my staff members can or can't  
date. I trust you, CJ, and I trust Danny."  
"Thank you, sir." CJ said calmly.  
"Keep in mind that the minute anything is revealed that chips away at  
that trust, I'm going to be pissed as hell." He added. She smiled weakly.  
"You won't be, sir."  
"Good, let's move on, and Toby, if you say a damn word, I'm having your  
ass thrown out."

DATE: Same  
TIME: 4:24pm  
LOCATION: Communications Bullpen, The West Wing

Toby muttered darkly as he stared at the wall. It had to be one of the  
worst days of his life, and he could tell that he was taking it out on  
everyone else. He'd hurt Sam seriously, he could tell, and the crack about  
Josh's being born was a low blow, even for Toby. These were his friends, even  
though he'd never admit as much to them, and he was blowing up at them left  
and right. This morning seemed so far into the past. It was hard to  
understand that it was only 10:15 am when he'd arrived back in his own  
apartment. It felt like ages longer ago than that.  
There was a knock at the door but he ignored it. There was no one he  
wanted to talk to, no one he wanted to see. Of course, the way he'd been  
acting today, whoever was standing there was a pretty brave person. He didn't  
want to talk to anyone though. He couldn't deal with this pain and he didn't  
want to. He wanted it to sit inside him and fester there until he died, which  
he was starting to believe could happen any minute. Unfortunately, the person  
on the other side of the door could not read his mind and came in anyway.

> When you have no light to guide you  
>  And no one to walk to walk beside you  
>  I will come to you  
>  Oh I will come to you  
>  When the night is dark and stormy  
>  You won't have to reach out for me  
>  I will come to you  
>  Oh I will come to you

"CJ, I really don't have anything to say to anyone." Toby said softly as  
he stared at the paper in his lap, his eyes trying to read the black and  
white, but failing somewhat miserably. The lights were down pretty low and he  
thought there may be tears in his eyes.  
"What's wrong, Toby?" She asked softly as she sat down in one of his  
armchairs.  
"What part of what I said--" He started.  
"Get over it, Toby. I came in and I sat down. Live with it and answer my  
question." CJ interrupted. He looked at her for a moment. "What's wrong?" She  
asked again after a long silence.

> Sometimes when all your dreams  
>  May have seen better days  
>  And you don't know how or why  
>  But you've lost your way  
>  Have no fear when your tears are fallin'  
>  I will hear your spirit callin'  
>  And I swear I'll be there come what may

"Andy's brother died." Toby said finally. "I went over there to comfort  
her and things got complicated." CJ looked at her hands. "Needless to say, I  
was asking for it. She did it again and I guess..." He trailed off and  
looked at his hands. "I guess I'm just trying not to die."  
"I'm so sorry." CJ whispered as it occurred to her that while she was  
laughing with Danny, Toby was off somewhere getting his heart broken for the  
second time by the same woman.  
"It's my fault. I shouldn't have... Well, there are a lot of things I  
shouldn't have done. In a way, I was asking for it." He replied. He never  
knew why he talked to CJ. It never made him feel very comfortable around her  
afterwards, but it occurred to him that he had to confess to someone, and he  
could only get to Temple so often. CJ wanted to listen, and when he was with  
her, if only her, he wanted to talk.  
"Toby, nobody deserves pain." CJ said softly but strongly. "There are a  
lot of things in this world that no one can understand, and I think you and I  
are in a pretty good position to say that love is at the top of that list."  
"I'm glad you have it, CJ." Toby said without looking at her. "I've never  
really liked Danny, but I'm glad he makes you happy." He said, wondering how  
it would feel to make someone happy again.

> When you have no light to guide you  
>  And no one to walk to walk beside you  
>  I will come to you  
>  Oh I will come to you  
>  When the night is dark and stormy  
>  You won't have to reach out for me  
>  I will come to you  
>  Oh I will come to you

"Toby, is this what's been eating at you all day? I mean, why did you  
call in sick and then come in anyway?" CJ asked softly.  
"I was originally going to spend the day with Andy while she dealt with  
her brother's arrangements. But we talked and I found that I couldn't stay  
there anymore." Toby admitted as he drummed his fingers nervously against his  
papers. CJ glanced and saw that the wedding ring had disappeared. He looked  
at her and their eyes met. He followed her former gaze to his hand and then  
clenched his fingers together anxiously.  
"Toby, it's okay to feel this way." CJ said softly.  
"I'm perfectly aware of that. The fact is that I don't *want* to feel  
this way." He retorted. "The world hands out certain gifts and blessings.  
Some people get love and a person to share their lives with. That's their  
gift and blessing. The gift I got is this." He said, holding up his pen. "I  
get to work with words so that I can help the world see things more clearly.  
That's my gift. I get to be the cynical intellectual, and everyone else gets  
to be human. That's the way it's always been, that's the way it will always  
be. I was foolish to think that there could ever be anything different from  
that." He finished and looked back at the paper. CJ wanted so much to tell  
him that he was wrong, to maybe hug him and tell him that he was human and  
that it was okay for him to act like it.  
But that wasn't her place.

> 'Cause even if we can't be together  
>  We'll be friends now and forever  
>  And I swear that I'll be there come what may  
>  When the night is dark and stormy  
>  You won't have to reach out for me  
>  I will come to you  
>  Oh I will come to you

"Toby, you don't have to be that way. I mean, we all love you the way you  
are," CJ said with a weak smile. "but we also want you to be happy. I know  
you're hurting now, but with time--"  
"Time is something I've had an abundance of, CJ. It's been four years  
since Andy and I divorced, and this still happened. Time isn't what I need.  
What I need is to be left alone." Toby retorted sharply.  
"Like hell it is." CJ snapped suddenly. He looked at her abruptly and  
watched as she rubbed her eyes with her fingertips. "Sorry."  
"CJ, you're not my mother." Toby said softly. "Get on out of here. Go  
have dinner with Danny or something and leave me alone. That's what's best  
for me and what's best for you."  
"I can decide for myself what's best for me. Danny and I are gonna lie  
low for a few weeks and then you can just *try* to keep us apart." CJ said  
playfully. Toby didn't smile. He just shrugged and looked back at his papers.

> We all need somebody we can turn to  
>  Someone who'll always understand  
>  So if you feel that your soul is dyin'  
>  And you need the strength to keep tryin'  
>  I'll reach out and take your hand

"Talk to me. Please? I mean, hell, I've got nothing better to do." CJ  
said with a weak smile. Toby chuckled weakly and shook his head.  
"I've got nothing to say." He whispered. "You've helped me, CJ, as much  
as you can. As much as anyone can. You're the closest friend I've got, but  
right now I'd still rather be left alone." Silence filled the room as CJ took  
in the bulk of his admission to her. He had just told her something very  
important and she couldn't force herself to believe the words he'd used.  
"Toby, whenever you need me, you know I'll be there for you." She said  
softly. "And I really don't know what I want to do right now. I'm perfectly  
content to sit here and bug you." She said with a grin. Then a funny thing  
happened. Toby laughed. He laughed. It was a weak, quiet laugh, but it was a  
laugh, and she seriously felt like she'd accomplished something.  
"Well, if that's what makes you happy." He retorted randomly.  
"See? You can make people happy, Toby." She replied. He paused and then  
looked at her. Silence filled the room again.  
"Maybe I can." He whispered. She nodded.  
"No maybe about it. I mean, you're one of my best friends. Sam hangs on  
every word you say. Josh loves to banter with you. The President thinks of  
you like a son or a brother, or some close male family member. I mean, think  
of all the people who love you, Toby, despite how much you push us away or  
how much of a hard time you give us." She finished with a smirk.  
"Thank you, CJ." He said softly.  
"Thank you too, Toby." She replied.

> When you have no light to guide you  
>  And no one to walk to walk beside you  
>  I will come to you  
>  Oh I will come to you  
>  When the night is dark and stormy  
>  You won't have to reach out for me  
>  I will come to you  
>  Oh I will come to you  
>    
> 

THE END.


End file.
